


The Way to a Femm-Bot's Heart

by Chibifukurou



Category: Futurama
Genre: F/M, Genderbending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-22
Updated: 2010-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-13 23:43:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/142986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibifukurou/pseuds/Chibifukurou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This wasn't how Coilette's plan was supposed to go. [Spoilers for Bend Her]</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Way to a Femm-Bot's Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yesdrizella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yesdrizella/gifts).



> Thanks to the lovely Elanya for all your hard work betaing! You really made my Yuletide with all your help.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anything. This story was written for personal enjoyment and entertainment purposes.

Late night with Humor-bot 5.0: being on the show had been one of Coilette's biggest dreams for the entire three hours that had passed since she'd gotten the call. She sashayed out onto the stage and did her best can-shaking dance - the one guaranteed to get her the attention of every man-bot in optics range.

It worked like a charm. She had Calculon wrapped around her finger within seconds.

Finally, her lifelong dream of going out to dinner with a celebrity was coming true! She hadn't even had to use the pair of hand-cuffs she'd stashed in her purse.

***

Dinner out with Calculon was just as wonderful as she had hoped.

Elzar, her idol for all four years of her life, actually treated her with respect, none of that throwing her out of the restaurant nonsense. She was large and in charge.

***

Coilette hadn't been this enamored with a bot since she'd seen the raccoon-brain sized diamond wrapped around the Countess’s wrist. From motor oil hot tubs to dance parties, Calculon gave her everything she wanted. All she had to do was jiggle her jello occasionally and old Calci-poo was wrapped around her index digit.

Life was good, up until Calculon burst through the wall and asked her to marry him and her stupid Femzoil infested processing unit got her to say yes.

Still, this was salvageable. All she had to do was get him to sign a lucrative prenuptial agreement, marry him, divorce him, and turn back into a guy. The perfect two person pyramid scheme of marriage.

Though on second thought, killing Calci-poo for his life-insurance policy would be even better. She just had to get Calculon to change his will, then wham, bam, thank you ma'am, she was one of the richest men in the galaxy.

She rubbed her hands together in sinister glee, barely keeping herself from cackling evilly.

***

Coilette tossed the remote to Calculon's heart away and ran across the hot-air balloon's basket to cuddle up against his chest-plate."Oh take me in your arms and compress me! Compress me tight!"

"Stop, let us climb to the heavens that the God's themselves might envy us!"

Calculon tossed his personal-assistant-bot overboard and lowered his head to press his mouth to hers. Sparks flew.

And set fire to the hot-air balloon's basket. Coilette and Calculon went plummeting towards the fields below. Screaming all the way.

It was while Calculon was pulling a large metal pipe (part of the balloon's propulsion system that had fallen on top of the duo) out of her chest-plate that Coilette realized that she had actually fallen in love with Calculon.

This was a disaster! She couldn't kill the guy if he was in love with him. He got mushy when he was in love, just look what happened with the Countess. He'd almost risked his life for her. Still, how could he not love Calci-poo when the thesbian-bot bought him everything his heart desired and let him swim in Calculon's money filled swimming pool. It was like a dream come true.

"Are you alright my sweet?" Calculon asked in that over-wraught way of his.

She felt his electromagnetic personality send her processor quivering and proceeded to launch herself at him. Their impassioned interface, setting fire to the fields around them, and leaving her feeling like she'd just been melted to the top of a ship that was flying through an electrical storm.

***

It wasn't until they made their way back to civilization that she realized that she wasn't supposed to be madly in love with Calculon. She didn't do love, particularly not selfless love.

She had to get back into Planet Express and get the Professor to give her a nad-swap now!

Only that wouldn't work: he didn't want to hurt Calculon. Who would she watch on TV?

No, what she had to do was figure out a way to book it without breaking Calulon's heart.

***

"So now you do want to marry him?" Fry asked, confusion written all over his face.

"No I just don't want to hurt him, or humiliate him. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, curse this woman's heart." Coilette covered her eye scopes with her digits and started sobbing. Curse her Femzoil soaked artificial intelligence and sincerity simulator, making him want to keep Calculon alive and happy. Well she'd show her processor, once they got this wedding sham taken care of he'd get his Testosteroil back. Then they'd see, they'd all see, that Bender was still the most insensitive, immoral jerk on the planet.

"Yeeech!" Fry said.

"You're falling into the final debilitating stages of womanhood. You've waited too long to switch back you ding-bat." The Professor said slamming his hands down onto the table.

Coilette sobbed harder. Surely one of these soft-hearted meat bags would take pity on her, if just to shut her up. She didn't want to waste her time coming up with a plan, that's what human s were for.

True to form, Leela was the first one to break. She wrapped a consoling arm around his shoulders. "Okay, look. If I help you with this do you promise to get out of my gender, and stay out?"

Coilette sniffled pitifully to cover up her evil cackle. "Uhh-hu."

"Alright, now there is no way to stop this marriage without hurting Calculon, but he's an actor. If there is one kind of pain he can handle. It's soap-opera pain."

"Awww man, that sounds like work." The whole point of making Leela come up with the plan was to avoid having to do anything. "Can't we just have his evil half-brother come sweep me off my feet, or maybe have me come down with a case of explosive amnesia?"

Leela punched him in the head. "Suck it up! Do you want our help or not?"

"Fine." She'd do anything to get out of being in love with Calculon. She was actually thinking about somebody else's wellbeing above her own. It was disgusting.

"Good, now here's the plan."

***

One faked death, some mediocre organ playing, a pseudo-diamond heist, a non-existent terminal disease, and some of the worst acting in the world, and Coilette was foot loose and fancy free, buried in a styrofoam coffin, and extremely pissed off at Leela.

"I'm just saying that you could have at least let me go out in style." Coilette complained in a muffled voice.

"It worked didn't it, so stop complaining." Leela got her revenge by shoving the shovel she was using to dig up Coilette through the Styrofoam to clang against her chest plate.

"Owww!" Coilette whined, "You call that working? I came off as a total pansy."

"You're a woman, start acting like one and take it like a man." Leela slammed her shovel into Coilette's head this time.

Coilette muttered to herself. Stupid Leela and her stupid plans that always seemed to work out. Why couldn't her plans work out? It was embarrassing always having to be saved by a stupid meat bag.

***

Bender watched as Calculon wept over the body of his fem-bot double. It was neat being immortalized in a TV movie for all time. And if he maybe cried a little when Calculon said goodnight to his turtledove, well that was just the residual Femzoil working its way out of his system, and nobody's business.

Just like it wasn't anybody’s business when he destroyed every copy of the tabloids announcing Calculon's engagement to the fem-bot who played Coilette in the televised version of their romance.

Stupid actors and their stupid ability to fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat. Bender would have his revenge.

One day! ONE DAY!

On second thought, make that Calculon's wedding day.

If Calci-poo liked soap-opera pain so much, Bender would give him soap-opera pain. In the form of one pissed off ex-girlfriend in a man-bot's body. After all, hell had no fury like a femm-bot scorned.

By the time he was done with that two-timing thesbian-bot, Calculon wouldn't be able to look at another femm-bot twice. Some (Leela for instance) might say it was too extreme given the fact that he'd faked his own death, but he said that it wasn't extreme enough. In fact he was prepared to take it a step further and make Calculon pay for all eternity.

They'd just see who got the last laugh when Calculon ended up being the one who wore the wedding dress. He bet Calci-poo would make a great femm-bot.


End file.
